Learning to accept

It's just gone midnight and I'm still not in bed.
Got one of those headaches which make me feel numb.

Noisy kids next door made me feel glad we don't have any.
Than again, watching Deana Troi have a kid from baby to 8year old within 2 days on ST Enterprise NG made me feel sad not to.

It's funny how things influence feelings and perceptions.
Things we see, hear and notice without realising.
In my heart I know I don't mind either way, having children or not.
And with modern medicine the "biological clock" has been smashed some time ago.
Even society is catching up with the acceptance of "young mums" at almost any age.
I don't yet feel the need that I must have someone to care for, like an inevitable reason to have a child no matter what and how. At the moment if it happens it happens just like I always thought. Maybe in a few years I would get more obsessed about it, like you do. We'll see what happens.

For now I am taking each day as it comes, not really searching for a purpose, as I feel at this time I pretty much have a daily duty to do. I can fill the dull moments with tasks and take my time to think about ideas I have about my higher calling, or if this is all I am.
Am I meant to be a carer?
At the moment that would be my obligation, yes.

I always thought I am meant to be a thinker. But whether this means that I am a born philosopher or engineer, inventing things, of that I am not certain.
My thinking is based on logic and problem solving, I always tend to see what's wrong and how to best fix it, amend it to my preferred state or result. I know it eggs people on, well those I divulge my opinions to, but I seem not to be able to help it. As if my mind has a mind of it's own. A critical mind by default. Then I think and decide to air my thoughts or keep them to myself. Usually the part I use for thinking before speaking lacks behind and my tongue does the damage.

I read something about risk assessment the other day and that is what happens in my head every second. I look for the problem where there isn't any, and devise solutions to be implemented. The real problem occurs when I expect others to do the same and get no result. I question then my reasoning of coming up for a solution to no problem. If I had just accepted the things that are, I could've moved on to more important things and not wasted my energies getting all worked up and confused.

Engineers search for solutions to problems, practical answers to every day challenges. In philosophy however the focus is more on problems and questions. You wonder about problems what they are, if they are and why they are. Questions and contemplation on how those arise or why. I often ask myself why I expect others to think like me, and how I could think of a solution to a problem which seemed to be bugging only me. Why was it a problem to me? Why did it get only me thinking? Whereas others didn't even seem to take any notice what so clearly poked me in the eye? And I knew the consequences of me having to point out my dilemma. Ridicule and misunderstanding. I wasn't able to make myself clear enough and it all came across as arrogant and snobbish.

I am simply trying to make myself understand why the other person didn't notice what seemed obvious to me. But there is no way to ask of this without questioning their way of thinking. Without seeming superior. As "why didn't YOU think of that?" implies the absence of intelligent thought and cognitive awareness. I don't want to just "pick your brains" to show how dumb you are! I am looking to understand why I just can't let things be, can't let go of useless thought processes which cloud my mind with negativity.

I belief this is what keeps me from truly holding on to happiness. I feel levels of being content but not for long on one specific level. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel unhappy. I love the funny. Enjoy comedy and laughter. And get silly sometimes, more than it is good for me. But sometimes that negativity can be a real buzz-kill. Learning to accept is now my biggest goal.

Accept things as they are, that they are. I might never figure out why I think the way I do, but I can find a way to accept that I do, and others do different. Everyone is different, therefore thinks different. Accepting this proves to be my biggest challenge.
Good night.

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