almighty clouds

today i look up into the sky
bright clouds are passing by

the wind so fast and restless
guides them along so fearless

i feel the air embrace my face
my mind all whirling like a mace

spirit rising high above and ride
away with almighty clouds beside.

public footpath..

every day, when i look out the window from the office, i can see the sign 'Public Footpath'.
pointing to the right it directs the way to shortcut behind the houses and back gardens.

how funny it is that with all our individual independence we still find ourselves following pre-designed paths. we wouldn't sneak through private gardens or jump borderline fences to get to where we want.

yet we require 'shortcuts' or pathways to speed up the journey and save ourselves time,
time we waste otherwise in useless conversations and arguments.

we could utilize that time to be fully aware of the journey we are about to endeavor.
walk the whole way instead of taking the convenient shortcut.
and enjoy the journey as it is meant to be.

but in this day in age we urge to simply 'get things done' as quick and easy as humanly possible.
the first book i ever read was called "Momo" by michael ende - it is about the concept of time and how it is used by humans in modern societies (courtesy of wikipedia).
that book captivated me like no other before. it made me think about time and people.
the start of a journey that should lead me to - which i know now - a way of philosophical thinking which i hadn't achieved otherwise.

i learned to take my time to think about all sorts of objects and subjects.
growing up in a matriarchy and not getting on to well with my 'beloved' mother i did have a lot of time spending on my own, mostly within the walls of my rebelliously chaotic mess called room.
being quiet in speech, i was rather noisy in actions and used to irate my sole entity of authority tremendously.

now, knowing of the bliss such ordeal brought up for me, i can understand the 'bottled up' anger i channeled in actions like refusing to obey at times or simply to draw myself back into mediocrity.
i can now realize this as blessing in disguise.
if i wouldn't have come across the book.
or succeeded in making my mother truly proud, maybe there was a time when i did, but with
her failing to show me positive acknowledgment, i managed to convince myself that i'm just one
of those who can't do thing right, and by thinking well, 'why bother' i played myself into a corner
where you get to annoy people and you end up spending time on your own. - thinking.
i grew to like being on my own, now, all grown up the only regret is that the big disadvantage in 'being on your own' is that you grow yourself a huge 'issue' with socializing - with that being increasingly unavoidable in this day in age, you can see the clearly forced upon compromise.
even though i find it difficult making friends, i can easily compromise big amounts of friends confined on light chit chat which mainly adds up to nothing more than nonsense.

But without any of that, my path or journey would have led me to a different door, and i would have stepped through and became a different person, and that would be a real shame, because as a different person i would have never done the things which led me to meet my lovely partner(in love and friendship!) who taught me true understanding and support, and my little darling nice(my sister-in-law's little girl) would have never shown me a type of unconditional esteem and trust i had never imagined could exist between two beings.
thank you!

just a little thank you to the blog entry which made me think back today.

on alistair's blog

it was the first picture which took me right back to being a teenager,
‘path of puberty’ went through my mind.
when the scary thought rises that being a girl is not
done by simply wearing a dress and having long hair.
you discover parts and (monthly) processes you were not aware of
before. feeling shame, trying to hide it, but thinking
everyone can see in your face whats going on.
then the door at the end..when you understand that the
path you walked was a privilege and you step through
having become a woman.

i love art when it gets you to places you won’t even
dream of anymore…

take care!

point of view

what i find interesting on my daily adventure is how we all tend to perceive things one way or the other.
where the cause is identical, still responses vary.

weight-loss is widely seen as a goal happily rewarded by respect and support.
the hard work is acknowledged.

but at what point does it go to far?
or at what point do we generally perceive it as 'gone to far'?

does it happen when envy sets in?
when we realize that even we couldn't do it better ourselves?

there is the health question too, yes, that is an understatement.

but in some cases opinions go as far as almost wishing for an unhealthy lifestyle, simply to pertain the 'image' they are used to, and all hard work and effort is reduced to obsession.

celebrities have a right to feel better about themselves.
if we find that hard to accept, we might have to re-focus our point of view.
ref.: stephen fry

bbc on Jay-Z

i must say, i am not the typical hip-hop, R'nB or Rap target market, but i do respect talent when i see it!
watched tonight on bbc1 - imagine feat. Jay-Z
and was really disappointed by the end.
usually bbc gets all the facts right, but in a way, mostly when the report is about any other than a 'proud to be British' artist in any kind or form, they always manage to leave a strange and bitter taste...
Jay-Z worked very hard to get to where he is right now, and coming from that background it is more likely to win the bloody lottery jackpot.
its hard enough, and you gotta work 10 times harder just to get half the success..
saying, he caused quite a stir at Glastonbury?? my [@$%&] spoon causes a stir in my cup!
he managed to raise the roof at an open air event! - open air! when the people jumped it was like the planet got resuscitated from a coma of ignorance and contempt.
times are changing and we should give those who really care to make a difference honest credit and gratitude, there are still only a few handfuls of those who ARE history, and if we make it seem like nothing because we can't bare the thread of acknowledging our own mediocrity then we are not worth of even becoming history ourselves.
its sad to see that the bbc seems to fear that thread.
i will keep watching, for the facts, and i think my mind is (still) clear and open enough to make up my own.
rappers are the true poets of our time and we should never underestimate or belittle the value of the message or the hard work behind it to get the message heard...
thank you..

that’s the atomic power of twitter…

take one infectious enthusiasm of an highly reputable and knowledgeable entity of showbiz on one side, sophisticated globally spread technology to unite and channel interest and affinities on the other, and well, there you have it..a bestseller enjoyed and celebrated by everyone.
if it weren’t for loved celebrities like Stephen and others, a fast growing interest of social technologies and ever developing IT geniuses, we wouldn’t be able to share the great works by brilliant writers all through the entire social community.
if the shrewd aim for profit of publishers means to cash in on the back of the hard earned popularity of publicly celebrated people, but at the same time gives everyone the chance to benefit from the content and the ability to widen their horizon and understanding of issues they were not even remotely interested in before, then – so be it.
its unfair to use quotes without the important value of authenticity.
a policy or terms of use may be suggested… to protect intellectual property, so if its not ’said’ it won’t be quoted.
but if the quote is genuine and true, it would be a shame to leave it off the book cover to prevent a sudden rise of sales.
the sudden rise of interest, and the acquired knowledge after consumption is far to valuable to the delicate scaffolding of our global society called common sense.
ref. blog entry by Stephen Fry

the importance of being mindful

Family ties had classified my 'religious background' as catholic, so in school when it came to the subject of 'religion' we were separated in catholic, evangelic and 'other'.
maybe to avoid cross-religion brainwashing.
or to maintain the brainwashing within a specific 'faith'.
or both - is my guess.
those belonging to the group - 'other' - had one hour of 'hanging out' or a so called "empty-hour".
i used to think of my lesson more as a bible-study.
as you wouldn't 'learn' about "religions", but you'd be taught whats written in the bible, and what it means - for Catholics, so you'd know what you are supposed to do as a 'proper' catholic.
well, more of what would happen to you if you don't.
it felt like, to have the questionable 'privilege' of getting to know Catholicism you HAD to be catholic, like an exclusive club where you make sure you are among same 'thinking' people, how very christian....keeping diversity strictly separate doesn't embody understanding and mutual respect for each other, now does it?
thank god that that's changing.
ok, now back to buddhism, whereas the basic principles are fairly straight forward and easy to grasp, it is an entire different task to live up to it in your everyday life, especially considering the diverse lifestyles in present times.
(..won't mention the credit crunch here, rather leave that to politicians for excuse purposes)
i used to think when you meditate you must maintain a 'thoughtless' mind.
kind of relaxing your neurons..
but knowing now, thinking like that seems really juvenile.
if you try to empty your mind, what happens is you actually contemplate 'emptiness', so you ARE still thinking.. and that is what its really all about.
you have to think things through to get a clear head.

we all can incorporate a little mindfulness to our daily stress...and make it seem less.
if we are conscious of what we create, consider others around us a bit more and just a little acknowledgment for events, even as banal as a car giving way, and the gesture of a thank-you-wave.

problem is: not everyone thinks the same, so you will always come across someone who won't be considerate and that really blows.

we all are very 'mindful' when we strike disappointment, we complain, we dwell, we blame, like there is no tomorrow...somehow everyone finds 'time' to focus their mind fully on aggravation.
the reason why being 'positive' seems such a struggle sometimes is that getting angry is just to easy, we never have to 'force' ourselves to get mad. it almost seems 'natural'.
but nevertheless we have the ability to be mindful.

to me mindfulness is just like water.
an element in your life you can utilize as lifesaving entity such as drinking water.
or comfort and pure joy as in a swimming pool or soothing bath.
though it takes effort to make it save to drink or gather enough to fill the bath.

uncontrolled however it will drag you away, and if you don't consist of the knowledge how to swim and there's no-one to help, drowning will be unavoidable.

But at the same time you can't do without it, you'd die of thirst.

thank you, and good night.

what a waste! or policy before trust?

ok, so i had the morning off today...
and when i got to my mac mini to check my mail i noticed that yet another has added me to their list of people to follow on twitter.
@milblogging or 'Military Blogs'
how intriguing i thought, as non of my interests or comments had anything to do that would even come close to anything 'military'.
well, i am aware a high number of twitters follow just about anyone - promotion - yes?
and having seen an add to interest people in becoming reservists in the RAF here in the UK, i thought, ok somebody is becoming desperate.
anyway, refusing to judge a book by its cover i thought, well then lets check the profile.
i ended up reading the blog entry on @milblogging's site.
here: Troops destroy beer in Iraq.
the entry displays a truck crushing beer cans left behind at the foreign compound, now occupied by the US Troop.
well, i get the policy about alcohol in a combat zone, but destruction?
why not give it to civilians?
or how about keeping it save until 'the fighting's over'?
i understand they should not consume alcohol, but i can't quite get the 'possess' part of the policy. Seems to me like lack of 'trust'.
making sure the beer is destroyed to even avoid temptation?
don't soldiers have the discipline and strength to withstand that kind of temptation?
i think its a question of trust, at the expense of good beer going to waste.
it just shows that policy has no room for faith, trust or consideration for the healthy level of common sense and understanding a good soldier should naturally possess...
personally i don't support fighting as a solution for any issues or differences,
but i understand a soldier has to do a job like we all have to, and as long as politics endorse conflict, somebody has to do the job to deal with the consequences.
but if even set policies seem to discount respect and belief in the people they are intended to protect and guide, than - to me - the whole idea of 'combat to protect all' doesn't seem right.
it is a job nevertheless and i respect anyone simply doing their job.
there is a compromise in everything we do - every day.
and we all have choices.
it would be a perfect world if we all would always choose the right thing to do, but in reality this world is simply not perfect, and we all learn at one point or another to deal with it.
thank you...

IQ - natural, or depending on personal inerest?

i believe i consist of a healthy level of common sense.
but in general i never thought of myself as highly intelligent.
average i thought.
i love puzzles and used to enjoy maths at school.
so maybe in some ways i have an interest in solving logical problems.
could that interest be a motivation to my intelligence?
and those considered 'less clever' or daft, might it just be the lack of interest
and motivation regarding logical solutions?
how about an IQ on flower arranging or fashion?
in my opinion a standard IQ test simply determines your ability in solving logical problems.
but it is seen as a measurement for general intelligence, which seems unfair to others who are simply not interested in logic or solving number puzzles.
for example, i am absolutely useless in gardening... it doesn't automatically reduces me to the level of utter daftness in general.
so, why do we consider people less intelligent (in general) who score a lower IQ than others?
just for the simple fact that they can't care less about numbers or logical problem solving?
just as i can't care less about flowers or plants..

i guess if there will be a balanced test for everybody consisting of questions covering
all possible levels and interests anyone could have, we would all score average.

anyway, if you like logic questions and numbers you might as well try the test i did.
my IQ score of 156 however just represents my interest and affinity for logical problems
and solving puzzles in that genre..


Free-IQTest.net - Free IQ Tests

..but please, don't ask me the name of the latest fashion designer or when to harvest apples, as those questions would make me seem rather 'unintelligent' ;-)

care conscience

as long as i can think i always thought i care.
respecting friends, family - well - more or less.
helping, yes, call it weakness, but i can't say 'no' easily.

is is easier to compromise if you want to be liked?
is 'liked' equal to 'respected'?

if i look back i only remember being taken advantage of.
which seems like a negative experience, although i helped from my heart.
i also remember being happy helping.

and when i asked for help myself, and it was refused i thought to myself:
why? don't they want to feel happy too?
i couldn't understand, or see their point of view, why they'd refuse.
i realized, helping me, wasn't really in their interest.
there was no gain or benefit in doing so.

maybe they didn't care about being liked?
or i wasn't worth it?
anyway, getting worked up about it didn't make it any different.
i wondered why i had that feeling of being happy to help.
maybe i felt useful.
and they didn't need to feel useful or needed.
i liked feeling useful and needed.
making life easier for someone, made me feel wanted.

having been criticized half my life, being given opportunities
to help others gave me some sense of purpose.
something i could do 'right' for once - helping.

taking care of things or people, it slowly became my purpose.
if you are never good at anything when you're young, at least
if someone makes you feel that way, you start thinking
that there is no purpose for you.

you feel not needed or useful to be. or live.
those thoughts were scary. what am i there for?
and your head spins round not finding any answers.

later you meet friends, a partner.
they all tell you the opposite, but somehow you don't believe.

i took me long, but understanding my purpose now,
helps me to simply get on with doing what i can do best:
help others, well - more or less.

understanding why i like to help, why i seek to be useful,
i have now - finally - come to the conclusion, that
without being treated the way i was, i would have become the
way i am.

my better half asked me - just this week - what i would do,
if i would meet my mother, that instant, would i be able to give her a hug?
my first thought was - ignore her! hug? never! she never did!
having given me so much pain through the years,
why should i spend a single moment even looking at her?

he than said that feeling was brought up entirely by my emotions.
i thought, i had been over 'her'.
so i wouldn't care anymore whether she is here or not, just like she
never cared about how i felt when she criticized my every actions.

i think i will just have to accept that i still care.
is it in my nature?
or it developed by wanting to be loved?

i always thought i tried my best, and that in her eyes it was never good enough.
and there were times i was simply to scared to do anything.
am i still scared?

should i still be scared?
if i look at my mother from a different point of view, i can't see why i should be scared at all.
when i think of the bliss she missed out on all those years, i get sad.
then i feel like i want to hug her, not for me, but because she needs a hug.
she should feel the peace and love i felt every time my nice ran up to me and gave me a hug
every day when i got back home from working the whole day.

thinking like that makes me feel sorry for her.
she never had that love from her mother, so she might not know how good it feels.
maybe now, if i would meet my mother - today. i would give her a hug.
it will be what she needs - as a woman -, even if she might not see it that way.

so, all the pain wasn't meant as an authoritative control mechanism.
she might have been more scared than me.
and that was the only way she knew how to deal with it.
every time she got cross, was she victim of her emotions?

when i think of my nice, i don't think i was ever scared.
maybe comprehensive at start, as i had never looked after
anything younger than me!
but it felt right in my heart, to help her grow up.
she had just been 1 year old when we first met,
and the most inquisitive person i had ever met!
and i loved it to tell her and show her everything she was interested in.

yes, i had to be strict sometimes, but it was never unreasonable.
authoritative strictness never brought any peace, wherever you look.
you have simple rules for everybody to stick to.
and to me, personally, punishment never made any sense.

cleaning the kitchen, for bad grades or an untidy room,
didn't teach me to keep my room tidy or how to improve my grades at school.
or being banned from watching the TV.
that didn't even teach me to clean the kitchen properly,
or see any reason why the kitchen should be clean.

it only made me to think - every time i clean the kitchen now -
of that horrible feeling of being disliked or hated.
that time i thought of it as being hated.

or if my handwriting was untidy, it couldn't have really been improved
be getting the pages torn out or books hit around my head.
i never thought i would be capable of feeling so much anger at that age.
that anger is still with me today. i can cope - most of the time - but it can
be a real pain having to deal with it every step of your way.

but there again i feel now, you can't have sunshine without the rain.
bad or difficult times makes you really appreciate the good times.

so next time - if ever! - i see my mother, and i give her a hug,
she might maybe just be able to appreciate how good it can feel, if you just let it!

so, on that note - go on! - hug somebody today!
thanks for reading...to the end!
goodnight!

male or female?

caster semenya, 18 years, female.

and she wouldn't have come this far if she wouldn't be a woman!

why should she lie about being female?
i had once, well, ok maybe several times to face a situation where somebody couldn't place me clearly in the male or female changing-room in an indoor-swimming pool at school.
the short hair and coarse voice didn't make that any easier.
but i can tell u one thing, i would have loved to pass as male.
puberty came along and that made it even more confusing.

however, i turned out fine in the end.
keeping the long hair now, though.

had i faked to be a boy, nobody would have called me 'neanderthal girl', so why should i possibly have thought of faking that i am a girl? live would've been much easier.

regarding semenya and her ordeal having to prove every single time her sex, is just another way to make it difficult for good honest and hard working athletes.

she even thought of boycott, but that's exactly what opponents would want.
and the gender test? are there regulations in athletics which dictate a recommended amount of male or female hormones developed through natural production?
so if someone produces naturally more testosterone than estrogen, will they be regulatory-ly classified as advantaged to 'normal-hormone-leveled' women and therefore are not eligibly qualified to take part in competitions, cause the others might think its not 'fair'??

should all women with an extra-ordinary high amount of testosterone have a championship on their own? - surely not!
how about men with an high level of estrogen??

i think we had enough 'classification' in the past 200years for the next couple of 1000 years!

semenya might have had an easier start in life been born a man, but who are we to deny her, her success, she clearly worked very hard for.

and as for classifications, how to place usein bolt? superhuman? even men cant catch up with him! so if women cant catch up with caster semenya, they will just simply have to - deal with it!
just as the runners usein left behind....

if nature brings forward some exceptional athletes every now and again, we should celebrate and appreciate them for what they do, what they deliver, and not whether their appearance suits our expectations or vehemently trying to find a fault or delinquency.

you don't have to be 'male' to be strong and deliver astonishing results.
women have it hard enough, we don't need doubt regarding our sex on top of that.
give us a chance to feel proud of what we are able to achieve, and not reason to feel guilty for being the best a woman can be.

envy is the mother of doubt, and doubt divides us.
lets work together to achieve results through healthy competition, not humiliation and disbelieve. the photos speak for themselves, the result is what really matters, whether the image fits or not. thank you.

hands up for the worlds fastest - women.

2009 caster semenya, 800m, 1:55.45


1983, Jarmila Kratochvilova, 800m, 1:53.28



2008, Pamela Jelimo, 800m, 1:54.01

bible bites - john 9,31

'now we know that god heareth not sinners; but if any man be a worshipper of god, and doeth his will, him he heareth. '

this is the classic cite trying to tell churchgoers to follow god and do his will.
well, brought up catholic, however, i started wondering why something this simple had to be written down at all. to me its common sense - so i thought - that if you do things out of the norm you won't be accepted.

having that in writing somehow undermined my practical intelligence.
a manual for moral behavior and - to make sure you stick to it - a note of the consequences, if anyone may step out of line.

Christianity is a perfect concept for individuals who need guidance in their life.
But what does this mean for people who are quite happy using their own life experiences to guide them through life?

citations like the one above encourage ignorance.
and that's - to me - the opposite of teaching love and unity.

who determines 'gods will'? the priest? vicar? reverend?
the congregation?

local communities are more likely to just accept to co-exist with other cultures.
their lives merely take coherent paths - side by side, but not together, in unity.

those paths naturally cross from time to time.
at work, in shops, public amenities...

but each 'culture' vehemently follows their own set of rules, and presumes that the other will have entirely different ideologies to their own.
which, having just analyzed the cite above, makes no sense at all.
as all worldly manuals simply inherit the common sense universally.
that's at least to my understanding, having read about some of the major religions and cultures.

to me it borders to amusement that we all follow the same basic principals, but each of us by themselves, thinking the others must be wrong. won't that make us wrong too?

thank you for reading...

some more..

here an example of light&shadow... taken some time ago...
i purely played with a web cam using a desk lamp for the light
and shadow effect..


on the next i used the PS filter artistic - accented edges..
the picture being from the artwork of Mark Owen's 'Greenman'.

i just love the tranquility in the photo and wanted to capture the illumination of the peacefulness in the scene. the vibrant color accentuation expresses the mood captured by the photo.
there is also another picture from the same album artwork i added last to this entry, which however doesn't require enhancement...enjoy..

colored pencil

i just love to play around using photoshop...

using the filter artistic - colored pencil.

i don't like photos being taken of me, but using filters in PS to add a touch of art to the picture works for me and i quite like the results.

also playing with light and shadow.
you can easily hide imperfections.
don't we all have those from time to time.

thank you and good bye. xx

monkey baby

torture or last chance?

its sad to witness couples using a monkey as baby substitude.
it is clearly animal cruelty in my opinion.

but i also recognize the emotional impact it has on the couples. it encourages the sense for responsibility.

i feel for animals and that level of selfishness goes to far.

some of the featured monkey mommies seem to have serious emotional issues, and keeping a wild animal in a human way just doesnt seem fair.

this is a free world and if some mistake love for obsession then it is up to the individual. personally its not for me. i value the freedom of animals to much to get to that state of delusion. but i guess if it helps - c'est la vie...

just one thing - true love can let go, and accept the unacceptable.

my mindfulness

breathing...
practice - keeps me calm.
discipline - keeps me focused.
tidiness - keeps me organized.
cleanliness - keeps me fresh and my mind clear.
learning - develops my horizon.
understanding - ensures an open mind.
realization - protects me from ignorance.

mistakes and failure are the basis of all - realize, understand, learn, clean, tidy, progress discipline.
breathing enables me to get through failure and i can realize mistakes.
to keep me focused and work out new ways and adapt methods to enhance my discipline.
my path to motivation. my purpose in life - keep my motivation.
thank you
Rene

negative experiences manifest in inhibitions, positive encourage motivation.
Focus on the Positive!

one of these days..

strange, i am having a down day today.
funny how kids dont have down days..
we only develop that ability later in live.
or is it a habit? must be.
or hormonal.
i guess all of it.
but on the other hand, i can remember feeling sad early in life.
missing out on that widely healthy mother daughter bond.
not that my mother left or died, which - thinking of it now - would have made it somehow easier. in my case anyway.
i used to think all the time, what am i doing wrong?
how can i make her proud?
and when i thought, yes, lets try this, she'll see i can do it.
i had the intention and all that, but when it came to show her, i was struck down with anxiety every time. i got so shaky - sh**ing my pants and just froze.
and in a way just like a hound she could smell the fear i guess, and wham, i was again the unable useless teenager she usually made me believe i was.
this haunts me until today. the feeling of mediocrity.
so when things fail i can literally hear her criticize me in and out.
i know its easy to blame her, or her mother who was the same or worse.
or we can climb up the vast family tree and try figure who started it all.
to find motivation is hard these days.
for one, the current economy, and also its holiday time.
and as a freelancer you are at work everywhere and every time.
finding something you can successfully accomplish might be the boost for me today.
but how do you get over the 'can't be bothered' attitude?
when i cared for a toddler some time ago, there was no time for that.
there was always something to do.
being there for the child was priority one, so all the other stuff which has to be done, you squeeze in the time you have in between naps(not your own!), or shifts(it wasn't 24/7 care.)
it was 24/5 care so we had some time off. all the respect goes to the mothers/fathers out there who struggle to keep all going!
but it showed me one insight. i thought i would be just like my mother, strict and nagging all the time, but to my surprise i just loved spending time playing and showing the little sunshine how this or that works. she used to be very inquisitive. and me - not having the slightest idea about childcare - showed her all she wanted to see and touch. i had a brief job in health care working with the elderly and at times some suffering from Alzheimer, so in a way i applied that knowledge and experience to caring for a 2year old.
and nanny 911 ;)
approaching every situation with care and respect like that, i learned to listen to what she needs.
noted the things she didn't like and adapt to alternatives.
but what i noticed, which was to me quite an eyeopener, was that if you are able to focus on the positive behavior and adapt that principal to your own actions, the child will almost certainly copy that and experience the same joy and happiness.
in the beginning she used to have vivid tantrums when her mum left her with us.
she panicked in a strange way the very moment she sensed that her mum is about to get up to go. that's now where nanny911 came into play. i guess if its not your own flesh and blood it is easier to follow the 'ignore' rule. but it worked wonders.
we used to just leave her cry alone sitting on the 'naughty' - chair.
and i found it sometimes amusing when - once she had calmed down a bit - i used to go in the room asking her if she was finished yet, and if we could go now and bake a cake.
she realized - at 2! - that to cry is boring, and making cake is more fun.
i used to feel bad when she had those tantrums, and one time we played sitting on the floor, and she asked about mum, where she'd gone, i explained that she'd gone to work and will be back at the end of the week, and she got upset.
the tears started rolling, her breathing got quicker and her heart was racing..
i recognized that from when i used to get upset when my mother got my heart racing.
so i sat there quietly and asked her to put her hand on the chest, i did the same and i showed her to breath in deep and slowly out. she calmed down much quicker than usual.
i assured her that her mum will be back Friday and she needn't worry.
so once she was calm it wasn't so bad anymore. it seemed she looked at it in a more rational way.
we continued playing, and later she wanted to make a cake for her mum when she comes.
she came to terms with her situation which she couldn't control.

so if i look at my situation now, feeling down, i can look at what has gone wrong today?
if i look at it being calm and in a rational way it won't look all that bad.
and coming to terms with failure and to focus on how i can try another way to make it work could lighten the mood in a sustainable way. so when i next come to a similar point i will have a formula to deal with the situation and just get on with my day - knowing what is important.

thank you.
something to engage in thought upon...

strangely i feel the urge to bake a cake....
take care.

racial discrimination - counter conspiracy

this blog entry made me think.
so i came up with one of my own...
matt kirshen's blog

..but read his entry first...it'll make you think too.

ok, here goes my story.
my sweety had trouble with the light on our car - he couldn't dimm it.
he was on his way to pick me up.
and would you've guessed it? - got stopped by the police.
a casual dressed black african driving down a lane in a rather posh area in a 5series BMW.
ok, it was dark and anyone keeping on flashing the light on and off would've been stopped - i guess?!
anyway, he - as usual - polite and nicely answering all 'procedural' questions.
as they gotta do their job according to rules and regulations, policies, you see.
but 45 min. of questioning?
checking everything possible on the car.
ok, fact was that there were reports of cars being stolen, so the level of caution was higher then at the other time - when i encountered the most nice officer when i ran out of petrol.
that time he never asked me anything - apart from what 'BMW' stands for, additional to that i must add - i was a very innocent looking white german born woman in my 20's. so anything i said was taken for granted, so where was the policy there? no regulations?
so are procedures more like a suggestion? how one could handle the situation?
what if i had stolen the car?
my hubby explained everything, but they wouldn't take it.
i was worried waiting, so i started walking towards him and saw what kept him.
as soon as i arrived, and confirmed his story, they quickly eased up on him.
policy?
is that instituional discrimination?
a conspiracy to be hard on ethnic minorities? to fuel aggression and ensure the need for
security, policies and regulations as excuses to discriminate?
and why is there more police presence in so called 'posh' or 'save' areas?
and where they would actually do their job and be worth their money, it is mayhem.
and crime is mostly concentrated in areas with little or no police presence.
how about this:
lets all be nice and polite to officers.
see what happens?
i bet, they'll go mental - fear of job loss?
or have a fab time down at the doughnut shop ;)
its good to keep the streets save.
but who gave them the right to apply their policies as they feel? might that be another policy?
have a nice day, and be nice to each other. cop or no cop.

R.I.P. MJ - 25/06

Always there..

we opened our heart and were able see
how in music we could be one and free.

and people everywhere would listen,
feel and see a new star had risen.

troubles faded, pains got numb,
we feel the magic, when you dance and jump.

you lived for music, you sang for happiness,
blessed us with joy and togetherness.

all feels easy, when you showed us your grace,
your gift brought together our entire human race...

thank you for the sacrifice you endured,
for now our hearts are free and cured.

you took our sorrows and our pains,
somewhere in heaven, you will cry for us - when it rains...

peace, always!
xx

happy birthday 06/07

To HH Dalai Lama,

Bless you on this day!
Peace and love to stay.
Your mind so calm
A heart so warm.
Embrace our pain
Yet remaining sane.
You give us hope
so we can cope
And stay afloat
Save in the boat
With you as captain
leading us to heaven
Enjoy this day
For we will stay
Always at your side
For to us you are the light!

Have a very happy 74th and thank you for true inspiration.

..from a caring heart.

heavy sky

woke up this morning, and the sky seemed heavy.
it reminded me of my youth. my mother to be precise.
like a constant heavy cloud hovering above me.
i also thought of the current economic climate..
what is there to do though?
then my wedding vows came to mind.
..in good times and bad times..
as much as i love my dear sweetie, the troubles we had, made our bond stronger. most of the problems being external, it requires so much patience and support to get through. its easy to love when your happy and things go your way. but in a way we were doomed from the start.
thinking of it now without hard times i wouldn't have been able to develop to the way i see things now.
maybe it was a good thing that my mother was the way she was, i used to think its me - of course. knowing how much it hurts i swore never to be like her. now people tell me i have a good heart, yes i learned to care, but it was hard to get here.
maybe it takes a financial crisis for people to see that not money is precious, but how to handle it.
having good times and bad times can develop a healthy balance between what is important to you and how to cope with set-backs.
the sky will clear, all we need is patience.
Patience and focus on what is important so we don't get lost in chaos.
Every situation has been there before and we survived.
think of something that would make you happy today, and go on - do it!