one of these days..

strange, i am having a down day today.
funny how kids dont have down days..
we only develop that ability later in live.
or is it a habit? must be.
or hormonal.
i guess all of it.
but on the other hand, i can remember feeling sad early in life.
missing out on that widely healthy mother daughter bond.
not that my mother left or died, which - thinking of it now - would have made it somehow easier. in my case anyway.
i used to think all the time, what am i doing wrong?
how can i make her proud?
and when i thought, yes, lets try this, she'll see i can do it.
i had the intention and all that, but when it came to show her, i was struck down with anxiety every time. i got so shaky - sh**ing my pants and just froze.
and in a way just like a hound she could smell the fear i guess, and wham, i was again the unable useless teenager she usually made me believe i was.
this haunts me until today. the feeling of mediocrity.
so when things fail i can literally hear her criticize me in and out.
i know its easy to blame her, or her mother who was the same or worse.
or we can climb up the vast family tree and try figure who started it all.
to find motivation is hard these days.
for one, the current economy, and also its holiday time.
and as a freelancer you are at work everywhere and every time.
finding something you can successfully accomplish might be the boost for me today.
but how do you get over the 'can't be bothered' attitude?
when i cared for a toddler some time ago, there was no time for that.
there was always something to do.
being there for the child was priority one, so all the other stuff which has to be done, you squeeze in the time you have in between naps(not your own!), or shifts(it wasn't 24/7 care.)
it was 24/5 care so we had some time off. all the respect goes to the mothers/fathers out there who struggle to keep all going!
but it showed me one insight. i thought i would be just like my mother, strict and nagging all the time, but to my surprise i just loved spending time playing and showing the little sunshine how this or that works. she used to be very inquisitive. and me - not having the slightest idea about childcare - showed her all she wanted to see and touch. i had a brief job in health care working with the elderly and at times some suffering from Alzheimer, so in a way i applied that knowledge and experience to caring for a 2year old.
and nanny 911 ;)
approaching every situation with care and respect like that, i learned to listen to what she needs.
noted the things she didn't like and adapt to alternatives.
but what i noticed, which was to me quite an eyeopener, was that if you are able to focus on the positive behavior and adapt that principal to your own actions, the child will almost certainly copy that and experience the same joy and happiness.
in the beginning she used to have vivid tantrums when her mum left her with us.
she panicked in a strange way the very moment she sensed that her mum is about to get up to go. that's now where nanny911 came into play. i guess if its not your own flesh and blood it is easier to follow the 'ignore' rule. but it worked wonders.
we used to just leave her cry alone sitting on the 'naughty' - chair.
and i found it sometimes amusing when - once she had calmed down a bit - i used to go in the room asking her if she was finished yet, and if we could go now and bake a cake.
she realized - at 2! - that to cry is boring, and making cake is more fun.
i used to feel bad when she had those tantrums, and one time we played sitting on the floor, and she asked about mum, where she'd gone, i explained that she'd gone to work and will be back at the end of the week, and she got upset.
the tears started rolling, her breathing got quicker and her heart was racing..
i recognized that from when i used to get upset when my mother got my heart racing.
so i sat there quietly and asked her to put her hand on the chest, i did the same and i showed her to breath in deep and slowly out. she calmed down much quicker than usual.
i assured her that her mum will be back Friday and she needn't worry.
so once she was calm it wasn't so bad anymore. it seemed she looked at it in a more rational way.
we continued playing, and later she wanted to make a cake for her mum when she comes.
she came to terms with her situation which she couldn't control.

so if i look at my situation now, feeling down, i can look at what has gone wrong today?
if i look at it being calm and in a rational way it won't look all that bad.
and coming to terms with failure and to focus on how i can try another way to make it work could lighten the mood in a sustainable way. so when i next come to a similar point i will have a formula to deal with the situation and just get on with my day - knowing what is important.

thank you.
something to engage in thought upon...

strangely i feel the urge to bake a cake....
take care.